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An Obscure Conversation Between Josh and Dave the Cat (Part IX)*

-Hey, Josh.

-Hey, Dave.

-You know that cats, like me, are nocturnal?

-I think I read that somewhere.

-Which means we like to sleep during the day.

-You sleep plenty at night, too.

-Stop talking. I’m trying to make a point.


-What time is it?


-Which is daytime, which means I’m….


-Right. So stop blowing on that thing.

-I can’t do that. I’ve got World Cup Fever.

Dave-"There are so many things wrong with you."

-Do you want me to explain how stupid this is?

-No, it’s a real thing, kind of like Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

-Then go to the doctor. Blow on your plastic trumpet there. God knows you’re a hypochondriac anyway. Besides aren’t you one visit away from filling up your frequent visitor card at the urgent care clinic.

-It’s two more visits—thank you—until I receive my free tongue depressor.

-Babies are smarter than you.

-Hypochondriac is such an ugly term. I prefer self-diagnoser. I’m telling you that I’ve got the World Cup Fever. I’ve got it bad.

-And that means you have to fill this apartment with obnoxious sounds?

-I think so. Everyone with World Cup Fever has a vuvuzela.

-It looks like a plastic trumpet to me.

-It’s not.

-I wish you’d put some clothes on.

-There’s no one here. Body paint is kind of like clothing. Ivory Coast orange.

-Well I’m here and you’ve never even been to the Ivory Coast and you’ve never played soccer for that matter.

– It’s called football. And I have played football… back when I was a kid. I was a stellar goalkeeper.

-Soccer, excuse me, football is pretty big in rural Colorado?


-Doubtful. I’ve been there.

-You hid under the bed the whole time you were there.

-I was… in need of some privacy.

-By the way to be proper, call it Côte d’Ivoire not Ivory Coast.

-French, huh? Your pronunciation is horrible.


-Stop being a smart ass. You should be rooting for America.

-I am. But Côte d’Ivoire is my adopted team.

-You look like an orange creamsicle.

-Their colors are orange and green and white.

-So where’s the green?

-Under the Speedo.

-Please don’t remove the Speedo. No. Please leave it on.

-You don’t want the full effect?


-Alex is going to kill you when she sees orange paint all over the new couch. It’s leather you know.

-I know.

-And don’t try to blame it on me. I’m too sweet for that. (Spoken in a falsetto voice) I’m such a sweet little kitty. Such a sweet little baby cake kitty face who can do no wrong. Such a sugar bowl little kitty cat with silken whiskers and a furry sweet face you could just eat like butter. Cutie pootie baby facey honey love. Poppy schmoopy lovey moomy tootie suckle love lump fur cakey. She loves me so much she’d eat my boogers for dinner and ask me for more. She’ll never buy it.

-I’m going to blame it on you.

-No you won’t.

-I will.

-I’ve always thought you were kind of a jerk wad. Blaming orange paint on little kitty.

-You’re not a kitty. You’re five years old. You’re fat.

-If you’re an Ivory Coast fan then I’m a kitty. And it’s muscle.

-That’s not what Dr. Sunshine said.

-Dr. Sunshine is a hippy vet. He’s a goober. He meowed at me while he stuck the thermometer in my butt.

-He was just trying to be friendly.

-New subject please.

-I’m not afraid to fly you back to Colorado to pay a visit to Dr. Randy Sunshine.

-Would you change clothes first or wear the orange paint?

-Don’t try me.

-Alex will be pissed.

-No she won’t. You’re taking the fall.

-Says who?

-Says this bag of kitty treats.

(Crunching) Fine. Give me one more and I’ll take the heat.

-Told you you’re fat.

-Told you you’re an idiot. By the way, you know that The Netherlands wear orange uniforms, too.

-I do.

-Is that why you’ve strapped fake elephant tusks to you head?

-Les Éléphants de Côte d’Ivoire. That means The Elephants…

-Your pronunciation still sucks.

-The Elephants of the Ivory Coast

-You’re an imbecile.

-You’re a sweet little kitty.

-Why are you writing this down?

-Because I love you.

*When you’re playing at home Dave’s part is to be read in a snooty French accent.



  1. I have a really fat cat, too – I’m pretty sure that he and Dave have the same attitude. Thanks for putting a voice with the sneering looks that I often get when I eat in front of my kitty.

  2. I miss my kitties! I want to meet Dave….

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